Here are some bizarre and hilarious real-life label instructions
from some of our favorite international food products. Never
underestimate the degree to which the labelling gurus (and their
lawyers) will underestimate the intelligence of the general
public--namely, US.
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special!)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving
suggestion: Defrost." (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom
of the box) "Do not turn upside down." (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will
be hot after heating." (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On a food processor: "Not to be used for the
other use." (Now we're curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains
nuts." (but no peas)?
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks
to write this one...)
On Preparation H: "Warning: DO NOT INGEST" (OK,
so it's NOT a food product, but that's the point, right?)
THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY-DEAD AT 71
- submitted by Pamela Lindenmut
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday
of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to
the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest
funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned
out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry
Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many
others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt
Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."Doughboy rose quickly in show
business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll
model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two
children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about
20 minutes.
A little man entered a lonely diner on a dark and stormy night, and
responded sadly when the waitress who came to take his order finally
asked, "Whaddya want, buddy?"
The little man replied: "Some beef stew...and a few kind words."
She turned dispassionately away, and then returned with a steaming
bowl and spoon, putting it unceremoniously down on his table.
The little man looked up, sighed, and asked plaintively: "What about the kind words?"
The waitress leaned over, and whispered: "Don't eat the stew!"
Sniglets are words that don't exist...but should. Here's one:
PEPPIER (pehp-ee-ay) n. The waiter at a
fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around
asking diners if they want ground pepper.
BY THE WAY... If you like culinary humor, you'll want
to read the review of some superb culinary comedy videos that can be
found in our Brasserie Bookstore under our Chef's Table page. Click
HERE to go there directly, and get these hilarious videos
delivered to you at a discount thanks to Amazon.com and the
Professional Chefs Association!
PARODY WARNING! The following is not actually....
A Letter from Martha Stewart
Dear Friends,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself
to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I
got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I
hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in
peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white
horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft
room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for
my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart
twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I
didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I
used the ones I had on hand. Before I moved the table into the
dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I
repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.
Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle
molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use
for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can
get in almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm
wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to
the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be
making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have
40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking
engagement at noon.
Love, Martha
P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch
gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and
blackberries which I grew, picked and crushed last week just for
fun.
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN
THE SOUTH -
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a
shot of whiskey, they talk
about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman
at a nearby table, who is
eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a
minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.
One
of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin
ya swallar?" The woman
shakes her head no.
"Kin
ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up
the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right
butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of
her mouth. As she begins to breathe
again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His
partner says,"Ya know, I'd heard of that there
"Hind Lick Maneuver", but
I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"
Fruit Cake Recipe
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer.
Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon.
Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
whiskey again and go to bed.
Hoppy halidaze! Please share free to feel this recipe with others.
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! Hey, if
honesty is high on your list of qualifications for your new
employees, maybe you would have, too:
NAME:Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible
make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday,
and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like
to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove
otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
George Burns once said: "Happiness? A good meal, a
good cigar, and a good woman. Or maybe a bad woman. Depends on how
much happiness you can stand."
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of
a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Pete's
sake,
you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter
onto
the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30
seconds.
The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag
with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for
up to a year.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of
salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the
shells off
anyway?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them
to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen
counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box
springs.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,
simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom
of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray
before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any
leftovers.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess
on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for
an instant "fix me up."
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
too damn
bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad
it
tastes.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg
whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to
soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft";?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar
to
help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in
a
pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises
to
the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If
you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you
can't
rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye,
and
then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now
blind.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers.
Just
slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial
soap in
the handy dispenser next to my sink.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with AlkaSeltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty
minutes,
brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean
vitreous
china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass, vase, or
cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water
and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four
Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if
necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add
some
Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
The Meeting Planner
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Meeting
Planner was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived
up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
never once had a Meeting Planner make it this far and we're not
really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in" said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but
I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day
in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one
you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in
Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St.
Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to
hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the
putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -
fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed
in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on
both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an
excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where
she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil
who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great
time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the
elevator.The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St.Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think
I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were
picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to
her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now it's all a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday was the site visit."
Comments
Post a joke
Heard A Good One Lately? Send it to us and share it with everyone!
Just click here to
e-mail us your favorite food jokes.
